My Yang Boots

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So I’ve been learning a lot about tuning into what gives me joy, what I truly like, what I want. It is funny – some desires are so very clear. And then some are limited before they are even fully formed. For years I had listed red cowboy boots as my reward for booking my first TV gig and finally this year it happened. I spent a lot of time looking, and for some reason, none of the red boots I found really sparked joy. Now there was this black pair with silver and copper decorative embellishments on the sides – these boots called to me. But I had promised myself red cowboy boots and the black ones didn’t satisfy my list of practicality (i.e. heels too high, leather sole – not rubber which I find better for city walking, and they were pricier than I had ever paid before).

So, I ordered a wonderful red pair … and they didn’t fit. Ordered a size up … didn’t fit. Ordered another pair altogether and … happily they fit like a glove (turns out they are actually too big, but still darn comfy). They are pretty cool boots and I do like them a lot, but I didn’t feel the jazzed feeling that I had anticipated when I had set my reward. Then during a CREATE workshop on instant manifestation a couple of months later, I realized that I wanted those black boots, so they went on the desire list. Later that week a gift came in that would easily cover the cost of the boots, but I still felt like they were too expensive. And it wasn’t the exact right amount. And I didn’t really need them. Then it hit me. I was the one in my own way, there was some part of me that felt like I didn’t deserve those boots. I didn’t want to spend the money. I had been looking at getting a plain black and another brown brown pair of boots to round out my wardrobe (we’d just purged numerous garbage bags of clothing), so at the end of the day I would be spending the money one way or another, but why was it so hard to spend it on an item that I would love? The fear kicked in a bit: maybe they wouldn’t be as nice as they looked online. I was scared they wouldn’t be worth the money and I’d be disappointed. When did denying myself rather than risking disappointment become my go-to?

When I finally made the decision (looking to my husband for permission) to go ahead and buy the boots, something clicked. I felt “worth it.” Now I’m not a big person on material things. But this felt good. It really felt like I was listening to my own desires and following through. Something clicked if even for a moment – this is what it feels like to live in abundance. See these boots weren’t just about boots, they were about stepping into the woman I want to be, stepping fully into my power. We are going through some massive life changes and when there is no security it is sometimes nice to have a few things that spark joy in you. Strutting into my new chapter with my “yang” (the masculine active principle in nature) boots never felt so good. Less stuff and more joy. That sounds like a winning combination. I’m still letting go of old limiting money beliefs, but I am grateful for this moment of abundance, of knowing my worth and of treating myself like a precious object. I’m trying to be more intentional about my purchases and at the same time releasing those limits that I have placed even on my dreams. My maybe someday may just be right now!
Boots

Nearly Naked or Letting Go part II

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There is nothing like the process of letting go. Over a month into the KonMari clear-out, I am feeling lighter and frankly more naked. The more I purge those things that were falsely protecting me, the more vulnerable I feel. As you know from my last blog, I’m an attacher, so the detachment process has been uncomfortable for me. But as layers of paper are shredded and recycled, I begin to see the other attachments I’ve been holding onto, grasping at (love this visceral and visual word – thanks CREATE) that frankly have been limiting my possibilities. Basically, I’ve been saying to God, the Universe, the Divine, “Hey, yeah, I have lots of desires, um, so give them to me, but just so you know, I’m going to resist you at every turn and probably believe the worst and take it personally if it doesn’t go my way.” That is why it can sometimes take a girl 7 years to achieve her goal of being cast on Network TV. It is hard for me to believe, but looking back I can see that the Universe has been conspiring to support me and covertly I’ve been sabotaging, hiding, averting, distracting wherever I can. Part of that is that I am holding on for dear life to the familiar unworthiness in my heart, when all I need to do is choose to identify with the light. Natalie reminds us in CREATE that we are only one thought away – I see that, but sometimes that one thought, that one step seems like a huge leap. I am thankful for this time and will continue the process of clearing out, knowing that in this nakedness, I am found.

OneThoughtAway

Grace Needed, Grace Now

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full-of-hopeI may be a bit obsessed with grace. My name does mean “full of grace” after all, but maybe it is just because there is such a need for it. Grace can be a bit tricky to define and often carries with it a religious connotation, but for me grace is another word for love. What makes grace different is that it is love in action that is perceived to be undeserved. In my first draft of this blog post I talked about how humbled I felt by grace because I feel so undeserving, but then I had a coaching session with a remarkable woman, Kristin Hanggi, and my perspective shifted. Grace is actually a unique form of love that is humbling because it reveals the boundless nature of love; it is forgiveness, it is compassion, it is understanding. Grace grounds you in the truth that we are all connected and it resonates deep down because it says “I am the same as you.” Grace isn’t just given from on high; it is given laterally and that is what is so amazing. Love is a powerful entity and I want to be more open to it in my life. It is so powerful that it can be scary, but it is also extremely beautiful. There is a pervasive feeling of unworthiness that I feel and see, and grace should be what lifts us up, dusts us off and shines through us. Love is needed in this world. When we get an opportunity to share love, we should take it. When I witness an exchange that says “you are worthy,” it moves me and fills me with love. The balm of grace is a beautiful gift.

In a recent yoga session led by my talented sister, I learned that the area around the solar plexus is the core of our identity. And that is where I feel it when I see an act of mercy or kindness, an unexpected gift given and received, an extending of love where before there was hate. It moves me in the very center of my being, it resonates in my soul. May this holiday season be filled with love; breathe it in, savor it and share it with whomever you meet. You will be stronger and richer for it.