worth

Fool’s Gold

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“All that glitters is not gold”

I woke up a few weeks ago with this topic on my heart, I’m sure what I had to say that day was very profound, but unfortunately I didn’t have the time to write it, so now I sit wondering what my realization was. I think that it is an important lesson in life, though, that “all that glitters is not gold”. Sometimes we grasp, gag, fumble about trying to get to what we perceive as the gold, the shiny reward. Only to find out when we get there that it is a cheap imitation of happiness, joy and success.

What is the fool’s gold in your life? Now, I’m not talking about those dreams that you have that come from deep, deep down, I’m talking about those wants that reside somewhere in the top of your chest that have the tickle of desperation. Those wants that have you saying “my precious” or “this is it, this is what I need to make me happy; all will be well once I get/acheive this”. That is the fool’s gold we’re talking about here. It is the “gold” that will lead you down a path of disappointment, because in your search for validity and worth all you will end up with is a shiny bit of rock and will feel no closer to where you want to be.

So how do we recognize the fool’s gold in our lives? With practice. By listening to your voice deep within, not that loud insistent voice right in your ear. By asking that voice questions to find out more about its validity. How would this “gold” serve you? It’s okay that sometimes we will get it wrong. Sometimes we will pursue a chunk of precious metal only to find out that we were duped. Yes, we will feel foolish and frustrated and perhaps ashamed, but that too is part of the learning. It helps us recognize the true gold from the fool’s gold. And when you start tuning in more and more to the truth, to the real gold, you will find yourself rich indeed. Not because you are gathering more things or showing off to the world just how fabulous you are, but because you will feel the worth in just being. You will feel the value in the truth. And a little bit of real gold goes a very long way.

Lucid Truths

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The past two mornings as I’m coming into consciousness I’ve had the most delicious truths come to me. They are not earth shattering and not things I couldn’t know without these lucid moments, but there is something about the timing and arrival in my consciousness that gives them a full bodied veracity.

Yesterday the truth came loud and clear: anything is possible. I knew without a doubt that there are no limits. Absolutely nothing stopping me or anyone else, but our thoughts and fears. Wow, anything is possible. I want a house. My head tells me, “You don’t have the down payment, let alone a full-time job, who is going to give you a loan? How can you compete with all the shirts to get the house you want, it is too expensive.” My heart tells me “anything is possible.” Some people will read the litany from my head and agree and ask themselves what planet I’m on to think that I might actually be able to have a house when I don’t have the traditional requirements. But I ask those people, for just one moment, to stop and just entertain the idea…what if anything was possible? I don’t know the hows and I don’t know the timing, but I do know that somewhere there is a house just waiting for me and at the very least I’m willing to believe that it is possible.

This morning the thoughts swirling around my waking brain were about worth. See, I’m one of those people that, though for the most part my self-esteem is pretty good, I still have this deep down dark kernel in my heart that believes I’m not worthy. Not worthy of what? I’m not sure…love, success, money, work, following my passion, having my dreams come true? But this A.M. I saw the infinite plain of existence and the connection between all of us. If one is worthy, all are worthy. There is no separation. Why do “good” people get hurt and why do “bad” people succeed? Because there is no distinction between “good” and “bad” or worthy/unworthy people. We all in our lifetimes will be exposed to pain and the potential for great success. It is how we deal with all that life offers us that makes the difference. So, if I’m not inherently unworthy, where does that belief lodged in my heart come from? And I see a little girl trying to make sense of the world, trying to understand and coalesce what she sees in the world and experiences at home, trying to process the whirlwind of words, thoughts, beliefs, lessons and stories. And this little girl somewhere along the way came up with the understanding that it was her fault. The pain, the poverty, the fighting, the hurt and the anger were her fault. If only she could be more perfect, if only she wasn’t flawed – she didn’t know how to make things stop and how to help people feel better. And if she couldn’t do that, how could she possibly be worthy of joy, of love, of financial abundance. That little girl grew up with a very compassionate heart and now it is time for her to turn that loving heart to her own. To shine love and acceptance on that dark kernel. You are enough, my dear, you always have been.

What does a woman do, now that she knows she doesn’t have to wait to be worthy? How now will she live her life?

I’ve always loved this Marianne Williamson quote, felt it calling to the deepest parts of my soul, but today it holds something more, a quiet truth, a glorious freedom.

I’ve always loved this Marianne Williamson quote, felt it calling to the deepest parts of my soul, but today it holds something more, a quiet truth, a glorious freedom.

My Yang Boots

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So I’ve been learning a lot about tuning into what gives me joy, what I truly like, what I want. It is funny – some desires are so very clear. And then some are limited before they are even fully formed. For years I had listed red cowboy boots as my reward for booking my first TV gig and finally this year it happened. I spent a lot of time looking, and for some reason, none of the red boots I found really sparked joy. Now there was this black pair with silver and copper decorative embellishments on the sides – these boots called to me. But I had promised myself red cowboy boots and the black ones didn’t satisfy my list of practicality (i.e. heels too high, leather sole – not rubber which I find better for city walking, and they were pricier than I had ever paid before).

So, I ordered a wonderful red pair … and they didn’t fit. Ordered a size up … didn’t fit. Ordered another pair altogether and … happily they fit like a glove (turns out they are actually too big, but still darn comfy). They are pretty cool boots and I do like them a lot, but I didn’t feel the jazzed feeling that I had anticipated when I had set my reward. Then during a CREATE workshop on instant manifestation a couple of months later, I realized that I wanted those black boots, so they went on the desire list. Later that week a gift came in that would easily cover the cost of the boots, but I still felt like they were too expensive. And it wasn’t the exact right amount. And I didn’t really need them. Then it hit me. I was the one in my own way, there was some part of me that felt like I didn’t deserve those boots. I didn’t want to spend the money. I had been looking at getting a plain black and another brown brown pair of boots to round out my wardrobe (we’d just purged numerous garbage bags of clothing), so at the end of the day I would be spending the money one way or another, but why was it so hard to spend it on an item that I would love? The fear kicked in a bit: maybe they wouldn’t be as nice as they looked online. I was scared they wouldn’t be worth the money and I’d be disappointed. When did denying myself rather than risking disappointment become my go-to?

When I finally made the decision (looking to my husband for permission) to go ahead and buy the boots, something clicked. I felt “worth it.” Now I’m not a big person on material things. But this felt good. It really felt like I was listening to my own desires and following through. Something clicked if even for a moment – this is what it feels like to live in abundance. See these boots weren’t just about boots, they were about stepping into the woman I want to be, stepping fully into my power. We are going through some massive life changes and when there is no security it is sometimes nice to have a few things that spark joy in you. Strutting into my new chapter with my “yang” (the masculine active principle in nature) boots never felt so good. Less stuff and more joy. That sounds like a winning combination. I’m still letting go of old limiting money beliefs, but I am grateful for this moment of abundance, of knowing my worth and of treating myself like a precious object. I’m trying to be more intentional about my purchases and at the same time releasing those limits that I have placed even on my dreams. My maybe someday may just be right now!
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