Oh to be fully in my heart and not so wrapped up in my head. This week has been full of reminders to get out of my head and into my body, to get in touch with my instincts and intuition. I don’t know why some people find it so easy to “lead from the hip”, while others of us struggle to let go of control and fear enough to make it through the day, not all tied up in knots.
This past year has been one of opening for me, of opening and trusting and realizing that the answers are all around me, that the world is not dependent on my brilliance to solve all problems and to make everyone happy. That is a lot of pressure lifted. However, my habit to clench at the solar plexus with the enormity of perfection, with the fear of failure and letting others down, is still very much engrained. It takes time to learn a new way, and honestly, I’m not there yet. I can now usually sense when the tension is coming in (and with it often paralysis) and sometimes I can breathe through it, sometimes I can move through it, sometimes I can even talk myself down, but other times I just have to ride the wave because I don’t know how to intervene.
My guess is that the answer I’m looking for is as much inside myself as outside myself and that it involves growing faith and trust. Trust that what and who I am is indeed enough and that even if I fail I, and the rest of the world, will be okay. Trust that the answers are within me and in front of me. Trust that all things are conspiring in my favour. Trust that I am not alone.
And the truth is … that I know this to be true! Looking back on all the evidence throughout my life is proof that I have been taken care of, that I have been enough and then some. I survived and even thrived after my parents’ divorce. I learned valuable lessons when I injured my leg and then again when I was then hit by a car in the same leg years later. I grew and was challenged by the acting opportunities I’ve been given, and I have been given opportunities. The proof is that I have been looked after all through my life.
Now all of this is not to say that there is anything wrong with intellect — there is not, it has its place and is very valuable. But I’ve used my intellect as a safety mechanism, a conduit for fear and ego, and this is what I’d like to let go of, this is what I’d like to surrender. So, we start with recognizing when it happens. And then? Mantras, meditation, breathing, yoga, mindfulness, music, gratitude, dance, forgiveness and prayer, there are so very many tools to help me along. And as I strengthen my faith and trust, it gets easier. One breath, one grateful moment to the next. I know deep down that I know the answers, that my intuition is strong. I just need to tune in and listen and let go of the need to control.