So I’ve been learning a lot about tuning into what gives me joy, what I truly like, what I want. It is funny – some desires are so very clear. And then some are limited before they are even fully formed. For years I had listed red cowboy boots as my reward for booking my first TV gig and finally this year it happened. I spent a lot of time looking, and for some reason, none of the red boots I found really sparked joy. Now there was this black pair with silver and copper decorative embellishments on the sides – these boots called to me. But I had promised myself red cowboy boots and the black ones didn’t satisfy my list of practicality (i.e. heels too high, leather sole – not rubber which I find better for city walking, and they were pricier than I had ever paid before).
So, I ordered a wonderful red pair … and they didn’t fit. Ordered a size up … didn’t fit. Ordered another pair altogether and … happily they fit like a glove (turns out they are actually too big, but still darn comfy). They are pretty cool boots and I do like them a lot, but I didn’t feel the jazzed feeling that I had anticipated when I had set my reward. Then during a CREATE workshop on instant manifestation a couple of months later, I realized that I wanted those black boots, so they went on the desire list. Later that week a gift came in that would easily cover the cost of the boots, but I still felt like they were too expensive. And it wasn’t the exact right amount. And I didn’t really need them. Then it hit me. I was the one in my own way, there was some part of me that felt like I didn’t deserve those boots. I didn’t want to spend the money. I had been looking at getting a plain black and another brown brown pair of boots to round out my wardrobe (we’d just purged numerous garbage bags of clothing), so at the end of the day I would be spending the money one way or another, but why was it so hard to spend it on an item that I would love? The fear kicked in a bit: maybe they wouldn’t be as nice as they looked online. I was scared they wouldn’t be worth the money and I’d be disappointed. When did denying myself rather than risking disappointment become my go-to?
When I finally made the decision (looking to my husband for permission) to go ahead and buy the boots, something clicked. I felt “worth it.” Now I’m not a big person on material things. But this felt good. It really felt like I was listening to my own desires and following through. Something clicked if even for a moment – this is what it feels like to live in abundance. See these boots weren’t just about boots, they were about stepping into the woman I want to be, stepping fully into my power. We are going through some massive life changes and when there is no security it is sometimes nice to have a few things that spark joy in you. Strutting into my new chapter with my “yang” (the masculine active principle in nature) boots never felt so good. Less stuff and more joy. That sounds like a winning combination. I’m still letting go of old limiting money beliefs, but I am grateful for this moment of abundance, of knowing my worth and of treating myself like a precious object. I’m trying to be more intentional about my purchases and at the same time releasing those limits that I have placed even on my dreams. My maybe someday may just be right now!
Copyright 2016 Anna Nugent