The past two mornings as I’m coming into consciousness I’ve had the most delicious truths come to me. They are not earth shattering and not things I couldn’t know without these lucid moments, but there is something about the timing and arrival in my consciousness that gives them a full bodied veracity.
Yesterday the truth came loud and clear: anything is possible. I knew without a doubt that there are no limits. Absolutely nothing stopping me or anyone else, but our thoughts and fears. Wow, anything is possible. I want a house. My head tells me, “You don’t have the down payment, let alone a full-time job, who is going to give you a loan? How can you compete with all the shirts to get the house you want, it is too expensive.” My heart tells me “anything is possible.” Some people will read the litany from my head and agree and ask themselves what planet I’m on to think that I might actually be able to have a house when I don’t have the traditional requirements. But I ask those people, for just one moment, to stop and just entertain the idea…what if anything was possible? I don’t know the hows and I don’t know the timing, but I do know that somewhere there is a house just waiting for me and at the very least I’m willing to believe that it is possible.
This morning the thoughts swirling around my waking brain were about worth. See, I’m one of those people that, though for the most part my self-esteem is pretty good, I still have this deep down dark kernel in my heart that believes I’m not worthy. Not worthy of what? I’m not sure…love, success, money, work, following my passion, having my dreams come true? But this A.M. I saw the infinite plain of existence and the connection between all of us. If one is worthy, all are worthy. There is no separation. Why do “good” people get hurt and why do “bad” people succeed? Because there is no distinction between “good” and “bad” or worthy/unworthy people. We all in our lifetimes will be exposed to pain and the potential for great success. It is how we deal with all that life offers us that makes the difference. So, if I’m not inherently unworthy, where does that belief lodged in my heart come from? And I see a little girl trying to make sense of the world, trying to understand and coalesce what she sees in the world and experiences at home, trying to process the whirlwind of words, thoughts, beliefs, lessons and stories. And this little girl somewhere along the way came up with the understanding that it was her fault. The pain, the poverty, the fighting, the hurt and the anger were her fault. If only she could be more perfect, if only she wasn’t flawed – she didn’t know how to make things stop and how to help people feel better. And if she couldn’t do that, how could she possibly be worthy of joy, of love, of financial abundance. That little girl grew up with a very compassionate heart and now it is time for her to turn that loving heart to her own. To shine love and acceptance on that dark kernel. You are enough, my dear, you always have been.
What does a woman do, now that she knows she doesn’t have to wait to be worthy? How now will she live her life?
